FROM PHOENIX, ARIZONAAMERICAN AFFAIRS
What’s in a Vowel?
Five Most and Least Likely Forecasts for 2004
What’s in a Vowel?
Perhaps Nothing Less Than the Presidency!
PHOENIX, Jan 8 – Happy New Year to all our TiM readers!
Every once in a while, our readers ask us to come up with some "off the wall," head-turning forecasts. Well, here are our five most and least likely scenarios for 2004, organized by category. Some are serious, some tongue-in-cheek. You figure out which is which...
Five Most Likely...
Industry: Michael Jordan
(of EDS, not Chicago Bulls) doesn't last the year as the EDS CEO, as the
company's sales turn from bad to worse.
Economy: The U.S. economy
sets new records - in unemployment (layoffs) and job exports by large
3. Global Politics: European Union and Russia cozy up to each other without formally admitting Russia to the EU.
4. Entertainment: “Mystic River”/Clint Eastwood win Best Film/Best Director Academy Awards.
5. U.S. Politics: George W. Bush is reelected President after promising another tax cut (for the rich, of course).
Five Least Likely...
1. Computer Industry: IBM Global Services and HP Services are spun off into independent companies.
2. U.S. Economy: Special presidential appointee, James Baker, fresh from successful negotiations with debtor-nations about the Iraq debt forgiveness, manages to convince the international bankers to forsake the U.S. national debt (now estimated at $7 trillion) at some point in the future. The bankers also agree to divert $115 billion in related 2004 interest expense payments to rebuilding of Iraq's economy.
3. Global Politics: U.S. pulls out of Iraq, but takes Saddam with it to help look for weapons of mass destruction at home.
4. Entertainment: True to the age-old Hollywood principle – follow the money – the Academy Awards ceremony moves to Shanghai, China, with Richard Gere and Dalai Lamma hosting it. Subtitles are provided to the English-speaking world.
5. U.S. Politics: A Democrat with more than two vowels in his name is elected President of the United States. What’s in a vowel? Perhaps nothing less than the presidency…
"Keep it simple, stupid" seems to be the overriding prerequisite for a Potus (President of the United States). The country can't have a head of state whose name is too difficult for most Americans to spell (especially the illiterates). Besides, just look at what happened the last time a candidate (and a Democrat to boot) with more than two vowels was elected President [Kennedy (3-7)]. Or the time before that [Roosevelt (3-9)]. Both died while in office. We don't want that to happen again, do we?
Nor did the other two "multi-voweled" Democrats fare much better as presidents. Carter (2-6) was dethroned by galloping inflation and the Iranian hostage crises, Johnson (2-7) by Vietnam.
As for Clinton (2-7), well… he is the exception that proves the rule. And validates Arnold Bennett: “Journalists (and politicians - TiM Ed.) say a thing they know isn't true in the hope that, if they keep saying it long enough, it will become true."
What do those numbers in brackets mean, you may be wondering? Well, the first depicts the number of vowels (phonetically speaking) in a president’s name; the second the number of characters.
So applying our exclusive “Potus linguisticus” methodology to the presidential election tealeaves reading, we can safely predict that only Dean (1-4) has a chance of winning against Bush (1-4). The rest of the leading Democratic presidential candidates would stack up on our “vowelmeter” as follows:
Clark (1-5), Kerry (2-5), Edwards (2-7), Gephardt (2-8), Sharpton (2-8), Kucinich (3-8), Lieberman (3-9), etc.
Oddly enough, isn’t that roughly how they rank in the polls, too?
So never mind the "platform," or the "issues," or the "strategy." Don't "watch their lips." Watch their vowels. And characters, too.
By the way, nor is the "keep it simple, stupid"-prerequisite for the highest office another solely American quirk. Take a look at some other heads of state... Hu (1-2), Blair (1-5), Putin (2-5), Chirac (2-6), Sharon (2-6)...
No wonder Saddam Hussein's (2-7), and especially Slobodan Milosevic's (4-9), political careers fared so poorly. They were doomed from the moment of birth. So you can just imagine what's ahead for a politician like Schwarzenegger (4-14). Stand by for the next sequel titled, "Terminator terminated by Hu?" And yes, it will probably air during that “reality TV” broadcast from Shanghai - the “Oscars.”
Therefore, if someone tells you dismissively, “oh, what’s in a vowel,” just say: “Perhaps nothing less than the presidency. Either lose a vowel, or throw in a towel. Too many vowels and you’re out. Or down and out, as Hussein and Milosevic found out."
Also, check out some of some other reports on American affairs...
"Plutocrats of the World
League All-Stars," “Enronizing
Pretzelitis:” New Alzheimer Strain Strikes Potus Potatus Primus
Also, check out... Djurdjevic's CHRONICLES magazine columns: "ON THE BRINK OF MADNESS", "A BEAR IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING", "WALL STREET BOOM, MAIN STREET DOOM", "PERPETUAL WAR FOR PERPETUAL COMMERCE", "WIPING OUT THE MIDDLE CLASS", "WALL STREET'S FINANCIAL TERRORISM"
Or Djurdjevic's WASHINGTON TIMES columns: "Christianity Under Siege," "Silence Over Persecuted Christians", "Chinese Dragon Wagging Macedonian Tail," "An Ugly Double Standard in Kosovo Conflict?", "NATO's Bullyboys", "Kosovo: Why Are We Involved?", and "Ginning Up Another Crisis"
Or Djurdjevic's NEW DAWN (Australia) magazine columns: "Macedonia: Another Farcical American Oil War," "Anti-Christian Crusades," "Blood for Oil, Drugs for Arms", "Washington's Crisis Factory," and "New Iron Curtain Over Europe"